Anonymous asked: In honour of the new Nicola Roberts video, please explain how everyone's least favourite Girls Aloud member made the best solo album.
Is this Big Wang Theory? I feel like this is Big Wang Theory. BWT was one of the few people on this tumblr thingy that seemed to care, along with me, for Nicola Roberts. And for those of you clams (that’s what my gay friends and I have decided to call straight people*) who haven’t been paying attention, BWT has abandoned his ultra-porny tumblr. I hope it’s because he’s pursuing his fashion theory career at a certain unnamed prestigious London university, but he never wanted to give me his email address, so I suppose I will never have that, as Donna Summer might have rather confusingly sung it, that dick’s web address again.
But NR! I could say the obvious line that it’s always the most interesting ones who are the least capable of fitting into a group. But I’m also not sure that many people would even agree that the album was “the best” - even though it clearly was. I suppose if you are going to riff off the melody line from “Konichiwa Bitches” for “Take A Bite” you are aiming for a more Robyn-sized fanbase, and you have to take the lumps from that, including the fact that people will ignore you because you are aiming Robyn-ward, but don’t have Robyn’s (admittedly, hard-earned) indie cachet.
I also think people forget that part of the joy of Girls Aloud was their pneumatic sex-bot interchangeability, and the fact that these glistening robots wanted to sing so much high-energy gibberish. It makes sense that when the individual members have to swim based on the buoyancy of their own personalities, the least pneumatic (I’m really confusing my metaphors here) would be the most “successful.” (Where “success” is defined by me.) So, yeah, I probably just agree with the standard line.
And if this is BWT, tell him I say hello!
*My friend Omar suggested “clams.” At first I objected to this term because I thought clams were too much fun to be a euphemism for straight people - clams are a part of Clamato, after all. But eventually I agreed mainly because I was too tired to think of anything else (and by tired, I mean “tired”).
Why we would even want a euphemism for straight people is because I am freakin’ tired of people using “gay” to mean “stupid” or “not cool.” I mean, if there’s one thing that gay people are, it is that the average gay person is marginally cooler than the average straight person. We should be saying, “That new Porsche is so gay” - meaning that the Porsche is really hot and slick and makes you so sick with envy you want to barf all over your Chucks - instead of saving it up for things like “that little kid’s lemonade stand is so gay.” Because, honestly, unless that little kid’s lemonade stand somehow features a lot of back-up dancers, pyrotechnics, hairspray, etc AND it somehow also challenges your ideas of gender identity and the hegemony of patriarchal social discourse, there’s no bleeding way it is even close to being fucking “gay.”
